When Trauma is in the Family

Finding Compassion in the Chaos

Photo by Mark Pan4ratte on Unsplash

Facebook triggers me so much, I should never read it until the end of the day to be honest, but I was scrolling this morning and came across this post by: Danielle Sebastian:

“Why does forgetting your purse feel like the end of the world to your husband with CPTSD?

To you, it’s a simple mistake (oops, no big deal). To him, it’s a trigger that taps into his trauma brain’s deep fear of failure, chaos, or losing control. His CPTSD makes it hard to see the moment for what it really is—just a forgotten purse. Instead, his hypervigilant brain interprets it as a sign that everything is falling apart.

💥 Cue fight, flight, or freeze.

When something as small as this triggers a disproportionate reaction, it’s not about the purse—it’s about past trauma. And while it’s not your fault, it doesn’t make sitting in that silence any easier.

💡 If you’re tired of these moments turning into battles, there’s hope. My FREE workshop will teach you how to navigate these triggers, defuse the tension, and start communicating in a way that actually connects. DM me “WORKSHOP” or hit the link in my bio to save your spot. 💛 #CPTSDRelationships #TraumaHealing #MarriageSupport #PeaceOverChaos #WifeSupport”

I have included her post because I believe she has a free resource for people in this situation and I am all about resources, community, and help. If we can connect with each other, let’s go ahead and do that.

Anyway, she sounds like a wife navigating life with her husband, who has Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). A seemingly small incident, forgetting her purse, triggers an intense reaction from him, escalating into tension that many commenters struggle to empathize with.

Why was I triggered?

It’s the responses; once again, I am blown away by the never-ending chorus of

✔️ “Leave him,”

✔️ “Men will do everything but therapy. It's crazy that he has the CPTSD and you're out here trying to do the healing. Leave him. Unhealed trauma turns into abuse. I did a 20 year sentence with a man with severe childhood trauma. So sad. A good man. But an abuser who got my sympathy. Now I have CPTSD. And so will you. RUN”

✔️ “this... I'm a wife and mom. I was diagnosed with CPTSD in 2018. Diagnosed because I realized something was wrong, I wasn't functioning, and I wasn't coping...and I refused to let that be my family's reality. So, I got help. I communicated with my spouse the whole way through about my needs etc and what was going on. I learned to recognize when I was triggered and step back to avoid hurtful behavior. Because thats what you do. If your spouse has cptsd and won't do the work and they're hurting you without doing anything to change it, they're choosing to hurt you, and that's not the cptsd talking. That's their choice.”

✔️ “Why should wives have to handle their husbands?”

All responses paint a stark picture of how society too often approaches trauma in relationships and to be fair, what else do we have to go on? What magical healing is available for these situations many of us find ourselves in?

But what if the person with CPTSD isn’t a partner you can leave? What if they’re your child, a parent, or someone you deeply love? The conversation becomes far more complicated. Maybe it’s not about abandoning someone who’s hurting, but about finding ways to still show you care for them while protecting yourself and your family.

Trauma’s Ripple Effect

Trauma doesn’t exist in isolation. When someone in a family is deeply affected, everyone around them feels the impact. A child with CPTSD may lash out, become withdrawn, or struggle with daily routines, school failures, relationships, family events, etc. A partner with trauma may react disproportionately to minor events, shout loudly, throw things, creating an atmosphere of tension and unpredictability.

Unlike physical illnesses like cancer or diabetes - trauma, addiction, and mental illness often provoke judgment instead of compassion.

People are less likely to ask, How can I help? and more likely to say, Why don’t you just leave?

Why Is It So Hard to Extend Compassion to Invisible Pain?

Why do we treat illnesses of the brain differently from illnesses of other organs?

When someone battles cancer, heart disease, or acute illness, their struggle is met with an outpouring of support (mostly). Meal trains, fundraisers, and words of encouragement flood their lives. Their pain is seen as valid, and their bravery is celebrated. But when the illness resides in the brain, when it shows up daily as rage, withdrawal, emotional instability, or addiction, compassion wears thin and all too often simply disappears.

We even whisper to ourselves: “Why can’t they just get over it?” “They’re so difficult to deal with.” “Why should I have to handle this?”

The truth is, I don’t have the answers to these questions. These are rhetorical musings that echo through my mind daily because I live in the chaos of this right now. I live with someone whose pain isn’t immediately visible, and whose struggles aren’t as easy to explain or support. And that makes it harder to bridge the gap between their pain, our pain, and the world’s understanding of what our family navigates daily.

Abandonment Isn’t Always an Option, or the Right Choice

For some, walking away from a traumatized person may seem like the easiest answer. But for others, it’s not wanted, warranted, or even possible. If the person with trauma is a child, leaving isn’t an option. If it’s a partner, the love and history shared may make walking away unthinkable.

No one asks to be a caregiver. Whether for a cancer patient or someone with a traumatic past, caregiving is thrust upon you. But when the illness manifests in challenging behaviors rather than physical symptoms, caregivers often face isolation instead of support.

Finding a Path Forward as a Family

Living with a traumatized family member can be brutal. It’s hard to watch someone you love struggle with inner demons they can’t yet overcome. It’s even harder when their pain impacts the entire family dynamic. But if we don’t believe healing is possible, especially if it’s slow and imperfect, how do we carry on?

Here’s how families might navigate the challenges together (no good answers, and so many variables but some ideas I have found and some I have utilized….):

1. Acknowledge the Reality of Trauma

• Recognize that CPTSD, mental illness, or addiction are legitimate health conditions, not moral failings. This alone helps me remain calm. Breathe.

• If a person is violent or aggressive during episodes of trauma meltdowns, discuss this openly with someone. Do not hide that aspect regardless of how much the other person wants you to. We cannot change what we don’t acknowledge and no one should put themselves in danger for shame and secrecy.

• Understand that outbursts, withdrawal, or emotional instability often stem from trauma, feeling overwhelmed, and an inability to cope, NOT a lack of care or effort.

2. Extend Compassion Without Losing Boundaries

• Compassion doesn’t mean tolerating harm. Set clear boundaries about what is and isn’t acceptable behavior in your home. “You can remain here if … but if not, while we still accept and love you unconditionally, for your safety and ours, you will need to reside elsewhere until we get to a place where we can safely be around each other.”

• Finding that place may become your next challenge.

• Show empathy by listening, learning about their triggers, and validating their feelings without excusing hurtful actions. “Yes, but…” shouldn’t start a sentence. Instead, maybe empathy, “I understand this is hard for you, it is hard for me too; however, I know we don’t want to continue hurting each other. How do we move on with understanding we have to do something different? What can we do to make us both feel safe in this relationship? These conversations are hard. You can feel like you are abandoning your person, and they can feel they are being abandoned - making the trauma response harder to navigate. Sometimes writing things down ahead of time can help this conversation go more smoothly.

• Sometimes those conversations devolve into shouting and recrimination. Be brave enough to apologize, to agree that harsh words don’t heal, and resolve to do better as you move forward. Frustration can spill over and grace is one word we use often here. Holding onto what was said in the heat of the moment is rarely helpful.

3. Seek Help Together

• Find trauma-focused therapists or counselors who can work with the whole family. Look for modalities like EMDR, trauma-focused CBT, or family systems therapy. This often becomes a family dynamic and by everyone having honest and clear conversations/goals and understanding, it can mean growing together.

• If the person with trauma is resistant to therapy, consider going yourself to learn how to navigate the situation effectively.

• Remember this definitely sucks. No one asks for this. This isn’t fun or easy or even where you want to be, but sometimes we have to go through it together because there are no other alternatives. Find other people who have the same dynamic and go have lunch/dinner/coffee and give each other support.

4. Create Space When Necessary

• Sometimes, the best or only way to support a traumatized loved one is by stepping back. Living apart temporarily from an adult can give everyone space to heal and recharge. Sober living housing, separate apartments, supportive housing (which rarely exists), sober living inpatient facilities, and mental health programs for PTSD. Realistically these things are hard to come by but trying to find places where you can both decompress can be important.

  
  We have benefitted greatly from living apart, but financially it has ruined us. There is probably a compromise somewhere, but in the midst of chaos, you just want to make it stop.
  
  For children, extended periods of living in an inpatient facility (if you can find one that exists) can bring more trauma to an already stressed-out, traumatized kid. The staff is everything, if they use punitive reactions and restraints, it isn’t going to be a trauma-informed situation and healing is not going to happen.
  
  This isn’t abandoning the relationship, it is creating breathing room to find clarity and strength. This isn’t the same as “throwing them out” “letting them hit rock bottom” “letting them figure it out!” It’s about supporting that person, still speaking to them, still giving them room for support, honesty, love, respect, and holding boundaries so you can both find healing and recovery. Be honest about what you need to stay healthy while remaining committed to healing.

5. Help Children Build Resilience

• If the person with trauma is a parent or sibling, children in the home may need extra support to process their feelings and fears.

• Engage in counseling or play therapy, teach emotional regulation skills, and create a stable, predictable environment wherever possible. Don’t push that child to be quiet, to hold your secrets, or to isolate themselves in fear of being “found out”. That is not the child’s cross to bear. As adults it is our responsibility to make a child’s space safe, that’s always the priority.

Reframing the Narrative

Imagine if we treated mental illness and trauma with the same compassion we extend to physical illness. Instead of judgment or avoidance, what if we asked, How can I support you? Imagine a world where caregivers of trauma survivors were embraced and uplifted, rather than isolated, blamed, shamed, and criticized.

Trauma survivors didn’t choose their pain, and neither did their families. Healing is hard, hard to start, hard to continue, and often hard to believe in. But maybe with compassion, some tools that feel right, support, and mutual effort, families can transform their chaos into connection.

What to Look for in Trauma-Focused Care

When seeking professional help, we can prioritize providers with:

• Trauma-Specific Training: Look for therapists trained in EMDR, somatic experiencing, or trauma-focused CBT. Reminder EMDR can be stressful.

• Family Therapy Expertise: The best therapists help families navigate shared dynamics while addressing individual needs.

• Collaborative Care: Seek providers who involve the family in healing rather than isolating the person with trauma.

• If your therapist cancels on you constantly, dismisses your concerns, or shifts blame/shame onto anyone in your family relationship, you may want to reevaluate that relationship. Not all therapists are created equal, it may take more than one session to feel comfortable but if your gut screams I am not a good fit for this person, be brave enough to find a new therapist. You have to feel comfortable sharing your deepest feelings with this person.

How to Move On

People are not disposable. Just as we don’t abandon someone with cancer because their illness is hard, we shouldn’t abandon someone with trauma because their pain is complex.

We can; however, recognize that supporting a loved one with CPTSD or other mental health challenges is exhausting, stressful, scary, expensive, and traumatizing for everyone. It can also lead to profound growth and healing for the entire family but getting there can be so hard.

I like to think this journey of life isn’t about perfection, it’s about progress. Maybe it’s also about holding space for pain while creating room for hope. Above all, it’s about remembering that compassion is not just an act of kindness, it’s also an act of love.

To be clear, boundaries, staying safe, taking charge, and removing yourself in the moment can also be an act of love. Abandonment is not the same as having boundaries. “Shouting Fk you!!!!” as you flounce out the door doesn’t serve any purpose if this is a relationship that holds value.

Have I done that? Heck, yes, yes, I have, but is it something I keep doing, no, not anymore, turns out that wasn’t an effective route to happiness either.

That leads me to the subject of grace. Give yourself grace while giving the other person the same. We are not robots. This is not easy. This is really messed up and hard. I cry - A LOT, but I always get back up again.

We do see progress. Life is not as hard as it was 10 years ago, or 5 years ago, or 6 months ago. Each day brings a little more resilience, a little more compassion for ourselves, and a little more healing. Tiny, tiny, tiny, baby steps but baby steps are still worth celebrating and it is progress.

Here are some possible resources to help families navigate CPTSD, trauma, and mental health challenges. As I mention repeatedly, I do not have answers, but these ideas include options for professional support, self-education, and tools to foster healing within the family dynamic.

1. Trauma-Focused Therapy and Support Services

• Psychology Today Therapist Directory: A comprehensive database to find therapists specializing in trauma, EMDR, and family therapy.
  Visit Psychology Today

• The National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN): Offers resources for families, children, and professionals dealing with trauma.
  Visit NCTSN

• Somatic Experiencing Trauma Institute: Find therapists trained in body-focused trauma resolution techniques.
  Visit SE Trauma Institute

• EMDR International Association (EMDRIA): Locate certified EMDR therapists near you. Visit EMDRIA

• Open Path Collective: Affordable counseling for individuals and families, including trauma-focused therapy. “Our nonprofit serves clients who lack health insurance or whose health insurance doesn’t provide adequate mental health benefits. These clients also cannot afford current market rates for therapy (between $80-200 a session). We help our members access their choice of affordable in-person or online care from a vetted mental health professional.” Visit Open Path

2. Family-Focused Support and Education

• National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): Offers family support groups, educational programs, and helplines for navigating mental illness and trauma. I will tell my NAMI story another time, but their BASICS class or their Family to Family Class can be very informative and helpful to families and caregivers. Visit NAMI

• Support Groups for Caregivers: Websites like Caregiver Action Network and Daily Strength offer online forums and resources for caregivers of those with mental health challenges. Visit Caregiver Action Network They do have a toolbox for Caregivers who live with someone with PTSD.

• Support groups online Visit Daily Strength search by category

3. Resources for Children and Teens

• Child Mind Institute: Provides resources to help kids and families manage mental health and trauma. Visit Child Mind Institute

• Play Therapy Resources: Learn more about play therapy as a tool to help children process trauma. Check out resources at the Association for Play Therapy.
  Visit APT

4. Crisis and Immediate Support

• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (U.S.): Call or text 988 for immediate emotional support. INVALUABLE RESOURCE; kind, caring, respectful, responsive call center operators. Anonymous - in a crisis, need to talk, just call. This is a service we have utilized many times Visit Lifeline or just call 988. YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE SUICIDAL to call 988. If you are struggling to cope yourself OR need ideas for a loved one, call, ask, get help, get advice you can use.

• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 for free, confidential support 24/7.
  Visit Crisis Text Line

• RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): Provides support for survivors of sexual trauma. Visit RAINN

5. Self-Education and Learning Strategies

• Books:

  • “The Body Keeps the Score” by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk (A must-read for understanding trauma's impact on the brain and body.)

  • “What Happened to You?” by Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey (A compassionate look at trauma and resilience.)

  • Anything by Dr. Bruce Perry. I love Dr. Bruce Perry’s framework of healing.

  • “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving” by Pete Walker (A practical guide for trauma recovery.)

• Podcasts:

  • Trauma Therapist Podcast: Stories and insights from trauma experts.

  • Parenting After Trauma: Tips and strategies for raising children in trauma-affected families.

• Apps:

  • Calm or Headspace: Mindfulness tools to help regulate emotions.

  • PTSD Coach: A resource created by the VA to help manage PTSD symptoms.

6. Temporary Living Solutions

• Safe Families for Children: A community-driven program to support families during crises without breaking them apart. Safe Families For Children serves families who lack social networks and live in isolation without the support of family and friends dealing with crises such as homelessness, unemployment, child abuse, domestic violence, medical emergencies, and alcohol/drug rehabilitation. Visit Safe Families

• Shared Housing Programs: Local nonprofits may offer temporary housing options for individuals or families in crisis to create space while maintaining family unity. Search within your state or local community.

7. Additional Resources

• Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, SA-Anon: Support groups for families impacted by addiction, which often co-occurs with trauma or mental illness.
  Visit Al-Anon
  Visit Nar-Anon

  Visit SA Anon

• Healing Together Conferences: Events for survivors of trauma and their loved ones to learn, connect, and grow. Visit ISSTD Events